The Story Of A "Horses Ass"

The Story Of A "Horse's Ass"

  By Lisa A. Neuvelt

I have been asked to ponder the question "Why is someone called a Horse's Ass?"  He wasn't asking why we would call a person a Horse's Ass, but why do we use this animal.  Why don't we call them a Cow's Ass or an Elephant's Ass or even a Goat's Ass, but we use a Horse's Ass.

In one of my many crazy nights of not being able to sleep, I decided to research this question.

First, I Googled the phrase "Horse's Ass" and Google came up with 2,040,000 hits.  There were all kinds of web sites and I didn't hit all of them.  (I'm not that crazy!)  I just hit the ones that caught my eye.

I found a definition on a website that said a Horse's Ass is a "stupid or incompetent person".  Now that I knew the meaning of a Horse's Ass, I still didn't know why we used this particular animal.

I kept searching.

I found this interesting story:  

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.  The boy rode on the donkey

and the old man walked.  As they went along they passed some people who

remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. 

The man and the boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."  They then decided they both would walk!  Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.  So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.  The boy and the man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.  As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

Moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your "ass" good-bye.

This story still did not answer my question.

I kept searching.

The next site that caught my eye was a site declaring George W. Bush "A Horse's Ass".  It stated that he was a "Horse's Ass" because of the war in Iraq, and even asked for you to sign the petition.  Even though I agree this site still did not answer my question.

I kept searching.

The next site had a recipe for a drink named "Horse's Ass":  1/2 Ginger Ale, 1/2 Soda Water, Mixed with ice.  This drink was named a Horse's Ass because anyone who would order one, is one.  No Alcohol!  Now I don't drink but I kind of agree with this statement.  This did not answer my question.

I kept searching.  

While searching something kept coming up on almost every page Google had.  "What is the width of a Horse's Ass?"  It turned out to be some kind of railroad term.  It is the distance between the rails on a railroad track.  4 feet, 8.5 inches.  Why is this called a Horse's Ass?  Well, because the same people who built the first railroad tracks were the same people who built the wagons pulled by horses.  The same measurements and tools were used by both.

Again, I found this an interesting piece of information, but it still did not answer my question.

I kept searching.

Are you still with me?  If you are, then you are as crazy as I am for writing this.

I got a little tired of using Google and went to Ask.com.  Most of the stuff on this was the same as Google but, one thing caught my eye just before I was about to give up for the night.

It was a story about a Superior Court Judge hearing arguments about whether this anti-tax guru is or isn't a "Horse's Ass".  The lawyers for the guy were trying to stop a ballot of some kind declaring this guy one.  The story went on to say one of the men at this hearing said that this anti-tax guy could be proclaimed "the back end of a horse", to be polite.  Another guy said he would use the term "the south end of a north traveling horse".  The Judge rejected both of these stating that the language was too vague.  Saying, "You're not attempting to proclaim him as something other than a human being?"  "No," said a lawyer for the ballot, "Mr...., is a 'Horse's Ass"  The Judge went on to ask what the meaning of a Horse's Ass is.  They pulled out the dictionary and looked it up and found the term Horse's Ass, that said "a stupid person".  I felt that if a Superior Court Judge didn't question the use of this animal, then why should I, but I was determined.  Oh, by the way, just in case you're interested, this ballot passed.  This anti-tax guru was proclaimed a "Horse's Ass"!!!  I found this story very interesting, but it still did not answer my question.  

I kept searching.

I found many sites with lots of humorous things.  I found images that made me laugh.  Then I found this one web site that had a radio call in-show.  A man called into the station asking what a "Horse's Ass" was.  He was not from this country and did not understand this term.  I felt like a "Horse's Ass" when listening to this because I had actually found the answer to my question almost right away but I just didn't get it.  If you got this far you saw it too, but probably missed it as well.  It has to do with the railroad term I mentioned before.  A long time ago people used a horse's ass as a form of measurement.  It was how they measured the distance between the rails on the railroad track.  It was the distance between the wheels on a wagon that was pulled by a horse.  It is now felt that any one who would still use that form of measurement would be a....... Yes!  A "HORSE'S ASS"!!!

I had solved the problem.  Even though I said I would research this question I was only joking, but I was determined to find the answer to this question.  Determination was in my blood.  When given a task it is very hard for me to give up until I have solved the problem.  Just like the time the CSM in my store locked his keys in his office.  We were determined to get into the office to get those keys, and I wasn't leaving until the mission was accomplished.  That mission was accomplished, the keys were retrieved from the office and the "Horse's Ass" mission was accomplished as well.  I had lots of laughs with both.  Hope you did as well reading this.

The next time you get the urge to call someone a "Horse's Ass" think again and call them an "Elephant's Ass" and watch the look on their face.  Maybe this term will catch on......and some day some "Elephant's Ass" will be looking up the meaning of that term and find this story.